Overload — June 13, 2015

Overload

Overload has definitely been my brains motto the last 2 1/2 weeks. I “think” it’s slowing down. Maybe. There is a LOT to think about and handle but I’m realizing it doesn’t have to be all done NOW. I have plenty of time to live and live life and be myself and “normal.” Though what normal is, I just don’t know. And I’m trying to be ok with that. Normal changes for everyone, not just a person with cancer. We’re all changing and growing everyday and it’s my goal to continue that. I’ve always been an overacheiver so I’ve got that down lol. Right now, I’m still taking things day by day, understanding this new normal. I’m 13 days into radiation and they will do another scan about a week after I’m done since radiation keeps working even after completing treatment. Then it will be time to powwow with my oncology team (the best EVER!) and see what’s next with that. Stay on the maintenance meds I’ve been on or maybe change them up. 

Keep us in your prayers!

💜 Blessings, Heidi 

Depression — June 6, 2015

Depression

I’ve never been a depressed person. More like a “get up and get thru it” person. But somethings suckerpunch you where depression comes in rampantly running at you. It’s depressing being depressed. Redundant. I’ve laid in bed since being in the hospital last Mon/Tuesday and have done NOTHING. Well, gone to treatment…so that’s something. Depression is like a bad dream. One I don’t know how to navigate. I keep telling myself “I’m processing” but honestly I feel so down I’m not sure if I’m processing or just moping? When I was rediagnosed in 2014 I went thru the worst bout of depression I’ve ever been thru. Many things were going on then all out of my control.. A cancer rediagnosis, my marriage had fallen apart and my son and I had moved into my parents house, I went back out on disabilty. And I was doing this myself. It got so bad all I could think of was ending my life. Seriously. I honestly thought that. Sad. Those were the worst days of my life. I take medication for depression and anxiety but somedays (right now) it’s just not enough. Hopefully time will be my greatest ally. And God. Listening to his promises. And my son, my boisterous, happy, life of the party little boy. He’s so strong and so resilient. There is noone who makes me prouder. 

So for now…depression is here. I see past it, I just don’t know when. I miss the “old” Heidi, the brave, never take crap, never give up, unscared Heidi. And she’ll return. Pray with me that she does.

💜 Blessings, Heidi

My 1st post! So exciting!  — June 3, 2015

My 1st post! So exciting! 

Welcome to my blog!! I’ve been thinking of doing one for some time, and the time feels right. A lot feels off right now as this past week has brought new changes but it made me think to try and balance that by doing something for me. 

In my “about me” section you’ll see that I am a cancer survivor. I was diagnosed in 2012 with Stage III breast cancer, then again in 2014 with metastases to my spine, then last Monday they found metastases to my brain. I’m overwhelmed. Down primarily. It will pass as I go thru treatment and see results but it is NOT something I was planning for..again! Right now, I’m concentrating on making it thru each hour. That may seem weird to say, but it’s true. My head is filled with running, crazy thoughts. And all my heart wants to do is cry or hug my son. So, that’s really all I’ve done. And that’s ok right now. I’m processing and understanding and getting used to this new change. 

I haven’t decided on any settings for this so it will probably be like me..a little all over the place! 

Welcome to my piece of crazy!

💜 Blessings, Heidi